MEHS Stands for CHAOS
by Rubi Maia Granger Wexler
Summary: Rating for occasional language. Three strange people appear, saying they work for a secret organization in the future. They must track down one fanfiction author. The problem is that she now has control over the LotR universe, as well as their mission.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: On this, I got my inspiration from 'FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP THROWING DRACO AT ME!,' which is also on this site. Go read it. Please. And review this one... Please... And oh yeah, if you could just visit my page on fictionpress.net and look at some of my original stories too, that would be really appreciated. But you don't have to!  
  
It gets much more ... SILLY-- by the end. Don't worry!!  
  
*********  
  
Chapter One: In Which We Meet the MEHS Crew, and Jemi Proves That Carelessness is Lethal  
  
Legolas and Aragorn were walking down a dirt road in Rivendell. Don't ask me why. Apparently there were several Mary-Sues running amok, and all of the most-targeted canon characters were being sent to secure locations around Middle-Earth, lest they come under the spell of the Mary-Sue. For no reason save that the story would be impossible otherwise, both Legolas AND Aragorn were immune to Mary-Sues.  
  
Legolas was eating a muffin. "Muffins rule," he said absentmindedly, reveling in the blueberry goodness of the muffin.  
  
"That's the twenty-seventh time you've said 'muffins rule' in the past hour... Hey, look!" said Aragorn, glancing off the road.  
  
"What?" Legolas looked around madly trying to see what it was.  
  
"It's a... a..." Aragorn paused for a moment, trying to figure out what those things were called.  
  
"A cheese grater??"  
  
Indeed, there was a giant stainless steel cheese grater to their left. Aragorn thwacked him. "No, not the cheese grater!... Oh, wait, yes. Yes, it is the cheese grater."  
  
Legolas stuck his tongue out at Aragorn and took another bite of muffin.  
  
Suddenly, unexpectedly, and out of the blue, a Mary-Sue swooped down from the treetops just behind Legolas and Aragorn. They turned around and drew their respective weapons, but the Mary-Sue was gone. Aragorn looked around, puzzled.  
  
"Hey, Legolas, did you hear something just now? .....Legolas?" Aragorn glanced in all directions frantically, rather spooked. "Man, this isn't funny...." No answer. "I'm serious; get out here NOW!"  
  
Then, to his left, Aragorn heard something rustling in the trees, just before he looked up to see a Mary-Sue swinging directly towards him!  
  
"AAAHHHH!! ... Hey, wait, I know what to do!"  
  
He casually sidestepped her, sending the evil being flying straight through to the cheese grater!! "Eeeeeeek!" screamed the Mary-Sue, but it was too late. She glided straight through, splitting into little tiny pieces.  
  
Legolas appeared next to Aragorn, who looked like he was about to throw up. "Eeeuuuhggghhhhh..... That's gross."  
  
But wait! There wasn't any blood at all; indeed, there were instead now hundreds of tiny Mary-Sues, all about 4 inches tall, running around, unseen to our heroes.  
  
"What just happened, Aragorn?"  
  
"I dunno... she disappeared..."  
  
Legolas froze suddenly. "Aragorn," he whispered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"There's something... on... my foot..."  
  
Aragorn looked down. There was a Mini-Mary-Sue clinging to Legolas' shoe lovingly. "GREAT ERU'S GHOST!!"  
  
"WHAT!? WHAT IS IT!?" Legolas screeched hysterically.  
  
But instead of answering, Aragorn proceeded to freak out, and tried to kick the Mini-Sue off of Legolas, only resulting in knocking them both over and falling down himself. Finally, Legolas got the courage to take a handkerchief out of his pack, pick up the Mini-Sue by its hair, and hold it at arm's length. It was now unconscious. Aragorn took a closer look and eventually so did Legolas. "...What is it?" said Legolas, repulsed.  
  
A twig crunching behind them alerted the two to the presence of another person. They jumped up and stared at the floor, wary of another Sue attack.  
  
But instead, they saw two pairs of boots. "Dudes, are you okay?"  
  
Aragorn looked at the two figures. One was a boy with dyed-blue hair, and the other a girl who was wearing sunglasses and had her wavy red hair tied back in a braid. The girl was wearing a grey turtleneck, darker-gray leggings, and a tan waistcoat, and the boy wore a brown waistcoat, a dark blue turtleneck, and the same shade of leggings as the girl. Both had the aforementioned knee-high boots. They looked about sixteen or seventeen.  
  
The girl took off her sunglasses and stared at Aragorn. She was wearing very heavy extended eyeliner. "What...have...you...done??"  
  
"Um, nothing, I think..."  
  
"You just unleashed about the worst thing possible that could have happened to the fandom!! What do you mean, 'NOTHING?!'" she yelled in Aragorn's face.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was that bad..."  
  
Legolas picked up the Mini-Sue and held it out to her. "Um... well... we DID catch one!"  
  
The girl looked at them skeptically. "One."  
  
"Lay off, Jem," said the boy, taking the Mini-Sue from Legolas and depositing it in what appeared to be a birdcage with six Mini-Sue-sized levels and extra-fine wire. "Oh, yeah," he said, turning to Aragorn. "We were never properly introduced. I'm Max, and this is Jemima."  
  
"Call me Jemi."  
  
"And Jemima's not even her REAL name! It's G--" Max was at this point tackled by Jemi, but pushed her away and continued unscathed and laughing. "Anyway, we're here to address this problem, blah blah blah... the community of MEHS workers sends wishes that this be solved with utmost speed and secrecy, revealed to only those completely involved, etcetera..." He yawned. "The rest is really unnecessary. What you need to know is-" He and Jemi pulled silver badges from an inside pocket of their trenchcoats and held them up for Aragorn and Legolas to see. "We're from MEHS. MEHS stands for the Middle-Earth Humane Society. We're here to deal with an outbreak of Mary-Sues and Mini-Arwens and a major breach of canon."  
  
Jemi put her badge back in its pocket. "The breach seems to center around two fan fiction authors-- One wishes to be known only as Rubi Q. Granger, and the other doesn't even want to be mentioned. Granger's misdemeanor comes from writing increasingly SILLY fiction, often in the realm of Harry Potter as well as Lord of the Rings. The other... well, let's just say I'd rather gouge my eyes out than read that... that...th--th- -..." she shuddered. "I- I can't say it. I-- I can't--can't--...won't..." Max patted Jemi's back as her expression became steadily more and more pained.  
  
"It's okay, Jem. She'll get what she deserves." Max was obviously worried. Legolas and Aragorn just stood there, not knowing what to do.  
  
Jemi was hyperventilating by now. "I-I-I-- that--trash... must-- can't-- let... get-- a...way... must-- must-m-m-m-- uh...uh-- ...s-s- ssss...." She fell silent for a moment before her face turned a violent shade of fuchsia and screwed up in what must have been hatred and/or a combination of fear, disgust, and concentration. It took a while for everyone (Jemi included) to realize she'd stopped breathing.  
  
Aragorn rushed over to help, but only succeeded in worsening the situation. Deciding it would be better to just stay out of it, Legolas moved the cage of Mini-Arwens to a safer place and stood watching silently.  
  
Max began digging in his pack for a paper bag. "Breathe, girl, breathe!!" Not finding one, he looked around frantically while Jemi continued to make odd gasping-and-squeaking noises, apparently trying to get some air into her lungs without exploding. Aragorn tried hitting the girl over her head repeatedly, but only succeeded in obtaining a black eye from her.  
  
Suddenly, he spotted Legolas' bag of muffins lying in a corner. Where does one find a corner in a forest? Don't ask me. Legolas stared blankly at him as Jemi collapsed next to a tree, trying to get back up again with Aragorn's "help".  
  
"Exactly how inept ARE you!?" Max screamed at Aragorn, who was really not a very good paramedic. In trying to keep Jemi on her feet, Aragorn had only knocked her over again. She was now on one side, her face turning blue, choking on who-knows-what. Words, maybe. Very easy to choke on words, you know.  
  
Max seized Legolas' muffin bag, dumped the muffins out of it, then ran over to Jemi, sat her upright, and helped her hold it to her mouth and nose as he applied the Heimlich maneuver. (Of course, Legolas and Aragorn didn't know it as the Heimlich maneuver, only as the lovely new 'Stop-A- Person-From-Choking-By-Ramming-All-The-Air-Out-Of-Them-Anyway' ...Thing.) "Breathe, dammit!!"  
  
Finally, the bag poofed out, then crinkled in again as Jemi slowly regained control of her own lungs. She threw the bag away and sat still for a few minutes, gasping and occasionally cursing violently between coughs. After a while, she was able to stand up with the help of Max.  
  
"This happens often," he said to Legolas and Aragorn, who nodded and assisted Jemi in staying upright. Max left to put the bag away in his pack, incase it happened again.  
  
She hooked one arm around a tree branch and pushed them both away. "Thanks... for nothing..."  
  
"Legolas donated his muffins to the cause, Jem," Max added quietly.  
  
"Right." She took another deep breath, then let go of the branch, still a bit wobbly but capable of walking. "Thank you, Legolas, for being obsessed with muffins." She said with a slight inclination of the head before turning to Aragorn. "And thank YOU, Aragorn," she added with a touch of bitterness, "for accepting the CPR classes I'm assigning you to when we get out of this hellhole." Again she nodded slightly in a kind of bow, grinning rather sadistically all the time.  
  
"I--"  
  
"You too, Max." She took her hair out of its now nearly-demolished braid, sat down on a tree stump, and began meticulously braiding it again with unnatural speed. "You just about killed me and brought me back again with that 'maneuver.'" A few strands slipped out of the braid, but instead of putting them back in, she just ripped them away from her head and threw them aside.  
  
There was a collective wince from Legolas, Aragorn, and Max. "You sure you're okay, Jemima?" asked Aragorn. It was Max's turn to wince-- that was the six-letter J-word...  
  
Jemi stood up, tied off the end of her braid, and marched straight up to Aragorn, who stood about a head taller than her. Legolas and Max could have sworn they saw her eye twitch spontaneously. "Don't... call... me that... EVER... AGAIN..."  
  
Aragorn backed up instinctively, nodding nervously. "Yeah, sure, no problem. I won't."  
  
Jemi stayed glaring at him for another few seconds, then walked away and grabbed her pack. "Ana should be here in a few minutes, and knowing the authors' INGENIUS way of inserting people into fiction, I'd say to look up," she said to Max. "As soon as she gets here, we can leave," she added.  
  
Everyone stared at the sky for a while before there was a purple poof of smoke about 30 feet up, and a girl about the same age as Jemi and Max, but wearing black, began hurtling toward earth.  
  
"Catch her!!" yelled Jemi, but didn't really do much to help. Instead, Max and Legolas (who was feeling a bit guilty for standing around earlier) ran and positioned themselves under the figure, who had begun to scream loudly.  
  
Finally, she fell straight into Max and Legolas at an angle, knocking them both over. "Sorry," she said, standing up. She was a bit taller than Jemi, with long black hair in a ponytail and wearing a black knee-length trenchcoat, a charcoal turtleneck, and a long, flowing black skirt. She took a badge out of her pocket and showed it to Legolas and Aragorn. It was the same one that Jemi and Max had, except for a black stripe that ran around the edge.  
  
She looked down at Legolas, who was still lying on the ground nearby (Max had gotten up and walked away with another demonstration of 'unnatural speed'). "Oh-- sorry, dude," she said happily, helping him up. "I'm Thanatosa, but you can call me Ana or something like that." She shook Legolas' hand. "And who are you??"  
  
"Haven't you ever read 'Lord of the Rings??'" asked Max. Ana shook her head. "That's Aragorn, and that's Legolas. They're both nice people, if a little inept."  
  
Ana nodded in the general direction of Legolas and Aragorn. "Glad to meet you both."  
  
Jemi mouthed all Ana's words from behind her, mocking her. Finally, she stood up and gently pushed Legolas and Aragorn away, taking their place in front of Thanatosa. "Ana," she said with more than a touch of bitterness.  
  
"Jemi." There was the same tone in Ana's voice.  
  
Max, looking worried again, stepped between them both. "Uh... maybe you guys should just end this now-- YIPE!!" He yelled as Jemi and Thanatosa simultaneously knocked him in the opposite direction.  
  
"Who assigned YOU??" they asked each other in unison. "Cousin Mary!! What!? Why....?? ARGH..." They promptly turned their backs on one another with a loud "Hmph."  
  
Legolas, now very confused, said: "Hey, wait a minute. Who's Cousin Mary??"  
  
Aragorn, even more confused, ate a muffin.  
  
Legolas thwapped Aragorn for stealing his muffin.  
  
Max chose to ignore this, and answered Legolas' question. "That's our boss. Code name's 'Cousin Mary.'" He rolled his eyes. "For some reason she wants her identity kept secret, even from us... go figure."  
  
Suddenly, Haldir appeared in a poof of lime green and fuchsia smoke, and fell over, unconscious. Legolas and Aragorn jumped, but Max, Jemi, and Ana instead formed looks of shock and fear.  
  
"Granger!"  
  
"Isn't green-and-fuchsia smoke her trademark!?"  
  
"But how could she--"  
  
"--Must've broke through the system!"  
  
"Good Lord, when will this end??" Max pulled a laptop out of his pack and booted it up.  
  
"Great, just great," Jemi said, pacing. "We're in Middle-Earth, on a crap-mission, and now the universe is in control of the second-worst thing that happened to this fandom!!"  
  
Max hurriedly typed in a password as green and fuchsia smoke started pouring from selected leaves in the forest. "What's with the Elf dude??"  
  
Ana fanned the area in front of her face and coughed. "It's a sign. Granger wants to let us know she's in charge now..." she swore. "Why does this always happen!?"  
  
Legolas and Aragorn were now very scared indeed. They grabbed Haldir and pulled him under a tree, where they huddled themselves.  
  
Max studied his screen through the smoke and gasped. "She did!!"  
  
"WHAT!?" Both Ana and Jemi turned around hand huddled in front of the screen, watching in disbelief.  
  
"She's hacked it!" He scrolled down. "She's hacked it all!!"  
  
"Oh, no!"  
  
"We gotta get out of here." Jemi walked swiftly over to where Legolas and Aragorn were trying to wake up Haldir. "We're leaving-- now. Take your little friend and move!" She pushed them in the general direction of the path. "Stay on the trail!! We'll catch up!" She turned back and helped Max pack up his computer and their things.  
  
"Hurry!"  
  
It started raining gerbils.  
  
Jemi pushed a few gerbils off the cage of Mini-Sues, who were now hooting and cheering wildly. "Wheee!! Go Granger!!" Did I mention their voices sound like Minnie Mouse on crack?  
  
Finally, gathering all their belongings, Jemi, Max, and Ana ran after the others through the smoke-and-gerbil filled forest, coughing and shielding their heads from falling rodents.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
JEMIMA AHLM: VIDEO DIARY--DAY 1  
  
(Jemi appears in front of the screen, looking rather sulky. The sun is setting in the background, with sounds of a campfire from off-screen. There are still remnants of fuchsia and green smoke hanging in the air.)  
  
Jemi: Very bad day. Granger hacked into the codes we had laid out for this mission and changed everything. She is now in charge. Very serious, it seems, though Granger is generally harmless. Hope she doesn't decide to turn us into anything. Should be able to resist small things, but not sure. Battery pack running low. Also, apparently Thanatosa was assigned to the same mission as I was by Cousin Mary. I can't believe she'd do this to me! I suppose it's the only way, since Ana's pretty much the only one that Max and I know personally and also has the authority to incinerate the M-S's we catch, but still... couldn't she have sent another person? *Sigh* Hope tomorrow's better. Until then, catch ya later.  
  
[The screen dissolves into 'snow', and eventually blacks out completely. 


	2. Author's Note Bwahaha

Heh, I decided to put the author's note here instead of messing up that lovely video ending. Live with it.  
  
Whoo, a story where the author is the villain!! I luv it. Time to wreak havoc on Middle-Earth and have fun doin' it!! Hope you all enjoyed the first chapter, and now -- on to the second! 


End file.
